


'I Love You, Ain't That The Worst Thing You've Ever Heard?'

by joeriezeilany



Series: HashiMada Sand Pit [2]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Confessions, Cravings, Domestic Fluff, F/M, Female Madara - Freeform, Fluff and Angst, Genderbending, I Will Go Down With This Ship, M/M, No Beta we die like vikings, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Patricide, Pregnancy, Shock, Tags Are Hard, Tags May Change, Warring States Period (Naruto)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-23
Updated: 2020-08-26
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:42:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23807080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/joeriezeilany/pseuds/joeriezeilany
Summary: A collection of HashiMada short stories/drabbles.A mixed-up pot of angst and fluff and pining and sdkbfjbsakdfjabjkfajsfWarning: Not Beta-ed. As in. So proceed with caution.Edit: I included the excerpts of fics I'm working on as well. <3
Relationships: Senju Hashirama/Uchiha Madara
Series: HashiMada Sand Pit [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1870315
Comments: 22
Kudos: 75





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hiii! It's me again! I should be working on my other works but HashiMada is holding me hostage with so many ideas about them askjdjfsdbdfskdjf so I have to unload some things just so I can think straight and now i'm dumping them all here. Some have the potential of being a separate multichapter fic or one shots or even one like the titans out there asjkfdbafsdfksdfjd. Please pray for me.
> 
> Anyways, most of what i'll post here would probably be written at 3 am sobbing in bed because that's what I do.
> 
> Enjoy!

“I gave you everything! Everything that I was, everything that I am, everything that I would be. What else, Hashirama?! What else do you want from me?” Madara’s voice boomed beggingly, desperate for an answer.

“I want you to be happy!” Hashirama’s voice roared in response.

His chest heaved with breathless heartache, tears wept from his reddened eyes glistening his cheeks. “Tell me,” he paused, arms extended as he beckoned Hashirama to look at him, to truly look at him, “Do I look happy to you? I already gave you everything, all that remains of me now is a husk and even that you’ve chained to yourself.”

“You said you love me.” Hashirama whispered as his voice cracked brokenly. 

“And I do! I do, I always will, with every fibre of my being... but you’ll never be mine, not truly, not wholly.”

“What? No! I love you, Madara. It's always been you!” Hashirama exclaimed desperately.

“How easy for you to say such words when there’s not a single place left for me in your heart, none!” Madara raised a hand, eyes piercing Hashirama’s, silencing any retort Hashirama had. “You ceased to be mine the moment you sold yourself to the village… so long as your existence is chained to the village, the clans, you’ll never be mine… never!” He breathed lowly, voice hoarse with despair. “I'm not your priority, Hashirama, I never was and I never will be.”

Hashirama was stunned silent, mouth parted with speechlessness, he took a moment to gather himself before he tried to reason with Madara. “No, that's not- why do I have to pick?”

Madara chuckled cheerlessly, the sound sang noisily in the silence between them, twinged with defeat. “And this is why I want to stay away from you. Far, far away.” 

“What?” Hashirama whispered, his voice choked with disbelief as he stumbled slow towards Madara, hands raised as though to grasp him.

“I don't-” His throat clenched with ill-restrained sorrow as he tried to find his voice, his words failing him. “I've lost so much already, Hashirama, so much of myself I fear I’ll never be whole again.. I don't- I don't think I can.” Madara’s breath is shaky, voice stuttered as the onslaught of sobs ebbed ceaselessly. “I don't think I can recover myself if you decided to do this to me again. I don't think I would have enough pieces left.”

Hashirama shook his head with disbelief as he clutched Madara by his shoulders, his fingers digging into him. “I don't understand. I don't- please, Madara.”

Madara shook his head in rejection, attempting to turn herself away from Hashirama’s grasp, all the while mouthing the word “no” 

Hashirama looks on helplessly, eyes pleading to Madara.

“You can't-. Don't make promises you know you can’t keep anymore. You'd only be adding more to your endless list of broken promises.”

“Wh- What do you mean? I'll take care of you. I swear I will.” Hashirama nodded to himself determinedly, steeling himself with resolve.

“You hoard Hashirama, like that dragon you’re so fond of… Always collecting us for your collection yet never taking care to remember we aren’t just things for you to use… I’m not some kunai for you to stow away, to be used when required one moment then cast away the next. Just like with all things neglected and disposed of, they break and Hashirama...” Madara’s voice trailed off silently, gaze empty as the new-found hollow in his heart gave way to emptiness. "You’ve already broken me."

\---


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> huehuehue. I found another snippet lying somewhere in my doc. *throws this at y'all*
> 
> Enjoyyyyy.

Madara thought if he continued doing what he always do, he'd be able to sneak out of the village and reach far enough that when they discovered him missing, he'd already erased his tracks. He did not consider the almost pinpoint accuracy of Hashirama finding him when something is wrong. 

"Madara?" Hashirama asked tentatively, no doubt noticing his state of clothes. "Where are you going?"

Madara didn't want to turn around. The last thing he saw was Hashirama before he died. He couldn't- It still hurt so much.

"... Are you leaving?" _And oh, Hashirama, stop please. I can't do this again._

"It's none of your business." Madara was still resolutely staring ahead. He will not turn around. He could feel Hashirama coming up behind him. And _oh,_ it should have clued him in before. Hashirama is the only one he trusts with his back. 

Next thing he knew, there were arms around him and Hashirama all but snarling, "If you think I'll let you leave the village without a fight,-"

Madara stiffened. Hashirama had only been like this in the battlefield. Never outside.

"Go back to the village, Hashirama."

"I can't." Hashirama's arm tightened. "Not when I've finally reached you. I once told you that we could have drinks now, like brothers." There was a pause, as if Hashirama's gathering courage to say something. "I just realized something, and it finally made sense. I was looking at it wrong all this time."

Hashirama circled so they'd be face to face. "I thought what I feel is what someone would feel for a best friend. What a fool I am. It's not love for a best friend," There was a determined glint on his eyes. "I love you, Madara. I cannot pinpoint the exact moment it happened... Maybe it was when we were children having clandestine meetings on that river. Maybe it was when we built up our dreams on that cliff. Maybe it was when I first saw you on a battlefield. Maybe it was when we first had to fight for our lives against each other." There's a pause. A breath. "Maybe it was when I saw you going down against that fucking clan and the first thought that flashed in my head is 'How dare they' followed by 'I'll kill them'."

"Hashirama," Madara breathe out, he couldn't think straight. What? 

"There is no version of the future without you Madara." Hashirama is still looking at him so intensely. "I built up my hopes and my dreams with you. I lost you once, and everything fell apart." He's crying now, desperate for him to understand and Madara couldn't- he feels like he couldn't breathe. His chest feels so tight.

"I had a lot of time to think about it, and Madara... I did not build the village for them," Hashirama gestures at the direction of the village. "Not for my clan... Not for my brother... Not for my children... But for you! It wasn't for anyone but you!"

Tears were falling on Madara's face now. He doesn't know what to say. I'm sorry just didn't make it. He wanted to tell him he love him too, that he wanted to stay, by his side as long as he could. But he couldn't intrude on his life again. Hashirama is the only one he has left, he couldn't bear it if he'd ruin his life _again._

"I cannot live without you. I can survive, yes. But truly living?" Hashirama looked at him dead in the eye. There was something desperate, something primal in that look. "There is no life without you, Madara. If you leave, you might as well take my own heart. Rip it out of my chest and keep it with you." He fell on his knees in front of him, holding his hands like a lifeline. "Please don't leave me," Hashirama sobbed. "Just please, don't do that again." He's still looking straight at him, begging. "I'll come with you. If you still want to leave, I will!"

Madara couldn't help the wide eyes look he shot at Hashirama. _What is he saying?_

"No, Hashirama! Wha- What about the village? You can't leave now, the village still needs you!"

"But I need you! I can't do it, Madara. Not again. Three times I've almost lost you. It was hell! Everything seems less." Hashirama's still crying, still sobbing. "I love you so much. Too much, that it hurts. That my every waking moment is dedicated to you. Please." 

"The villagers wouldn't accept me, Hashirama."

"Of course they would! We're back in time! They don't know about the things you did because for them you still haven't done it! This is a second chance Madara, don't you see. You don't need to leave. We could do better!"

"I don't have anything else in the village." Madara said weakly. He's so tired.

"But you have me!" Hashirama said, getting up and cupping his face. "You have me, Madara and I'm not letting you go. The world can hate me, fear me, but Madara... as long as I have you here with me, by my side, I don't care. You're my anchor in this raging world. You always have been. Without you I'm nothing. You've influenced my every waking moment. Every important part of my life. And I am incredibly grateful that I have you. I love you so much."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Am I breaking your hearts?? Sorry, I'm not sorry. 
> 
> We all have to suffer hashimada angst.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt by Chaos-Senpai
> 
> Person A: "No"  
> Person B: "......"  
> "NO B, you can't just _, that's not healthy"  
> B: slowly backs away to make a run for it to do the thing  
> chase ensues

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo! It's my birthday and i'm gonna try to update as much as I can and share some of my other works with you guys! :))) 
> 
> Enjoy! ❤️❤️❤️❤️

“Madara, what are you doing?” Hashirama asked, slowly entering their shared quarters.

“Eating. What does it look like?” Madara grumbled through a mouthful of pickles.

Hashirama stared. And stared. And stared some more. Hoping that if he stared hard enough, the  _ thing _ he’s seeing would change itself. “Kai.”

For a moment there was visible chakra. Hashirama was disappointed to learn that  _ no, it is not a genjutsu. _

“What?” Madara looks at him confused. Her eyebrows burrowing together.

__

“No,” Hashirama was resigned. He determinedly stepped towards Madara, intent on getting  _ that _ out of her hands. And her mouth. 

__

“....” Madara stood up and slowly backed away. All the way clutching  _ that _ , whatever that is.

__

“NO, Madara. You can’t just eat that! That’s not healthy? What even is it?” Hashirama eyed the tub suspiciously.

“....” There was a stubborn look on Madara’s face as she continued to back away. When Hashirama continued to advance, she turned and fled the room.

Hashirama lunges after her. Even pregnant Madara was  _ fast. _ It took careful maneuvering and a few collateral damage, okay, maybe more than a few. But Hashirama finally caught her in his mokuton trap, carefully of course. He doesn’t want to hurt any of them.

“I finished it already.” Madara stubbornly pouted. 

Hashirama sighed. “I told you to stop eating that particular combination. You always end up throwing up afterwards!”

“Blame your child, not me! I don’t even understand why I ate those. I just want them and there!” Madara huffed and gestured wildly. Her cravings are a mystery to everyone, even her. 

“I- urgh. Just don’t blame me later when you throw up and hog the basin,  _ again. _ ” Hashirama threw up his hands, exasperated. “Come here, let me check you.”

“You’re the one that chased me.”

“ _ You’re _ the one that  _ ran. _ ”


	4. Steep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is an excerpt of a fic I was working on, it fell on an au series called A Curse and A Boon where Madara was punished by the gods for daring to meddle in things he shouldn't have. He defied Death three times and for that he was cursed to never enter the realm of Death. His boon was the ability to carry children, shifting from Male to Female if he wanted to.
> 
> Never meddle with Gods, kids. It always have consequences. kjsdgfkjasbfkjafs
> 
> Anyway, in this particular fic, Madara already had a few lives, but in this one she only got a few broken memories and her chosen children. I'll expand on this more when I finally write the fic.

“Go.” Tajima ordered, face twisting to something incomprehensible. “You have to leave, Madara.”

“I-” Madara grasped for words. Mind refusing to register what exactly her father told her because  _ what? _ .

“Madara,” Tajima was suddenly in front of her, hands firmly gripping her shoulders. “I need you to understand that I’m doing this to protect you,” his eyes bore into hers with the force of a battering ham. “You have to go now, I can only hold back-” her father took a deep breath before continuing. “Take only what you would need. And run as far away from the mainland as possible. Do not return unless the war is over. You have to protect yourself and your future child.”

Madara’s hand drifted down to her still flat stomach. The weight of the situation sinking to her. She doesn't know if she could do this, life outside the clan is full of unknowns. She would need to be on her toes the entire time. Poachers, bloodline thieves, and countless many others are just waiting for any opportunity. 

“Father, I-” She swallowed, tears finally leaking from her eyes. “I’m sorry”

Tajima’s face soften, hand reaching up to cup her face. “I knew it was only a matter of time before this would happen. You are very much just like your mother.” He smiled ruefully, “I knew, the moment you activated the sharingan, that it would be the Senju boy. Come hell or high water, you have already given him your heart.”

He pointed to her chest. “The Uchihas would always follow their hearts. The Sharingan is a tangible manifestation of your emotions. The way it was activated would always be telling.” his gaze gained intensity. “The power of your eyes would always mirror the strength of your heart.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, there's that. I am particularly proud of the last sentence. sdjfksdnfksnf


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so, I am just excited with this AU which is why I am posting a snippet here. dfjskfnskdjfnslk
> 
> Set the summer before Madara turns 17. :))
> 
> This is inspired by [My Tongue is a Weapon](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14332548/chapters/33075489)
> 
> Enjoy!

He stared in shock. 

_ Why is he here? Why here? In this particular time?  _

Madara backed away and let go of the sword. The sword that was running through his father’s chest. He watched as the man fell down, feeling detachedly hysterical. 

_ Why?  _

He swayed and sat down on the ground, numbly staring at Uchiha Tajima. His father.  _ His father that he just killed. _

Madara put his head on his hands and tried to regulate his breathing because  _ this cannot be happening. Oh gods, he can’t do this again. _

He jerked as red flooded his vision, staring at his bloodied hands in shock. His memories were disjointed, making his head hurt. He can’t  _ think straight. Why can’t he think straight? _

There were black spots creeping on the edges of his vision. The last thought on his head before he succumb to unconsciousness was  _ what is happening? I don’t understand.  _

* * *

Madara jerked awake, swatting the reaching hands touching him. Staring wide eyed on the boy beside him.

_ “Izuna?” _ he blurted in shock. Because what? He can’t be here, Izuna was dead long ago. 

“Nii-san.” Izuna frowned concernedly, reaching out towards him again. “How are you feeling?”

“What?” Madara muttered, mind still unable to process everything that’s going on.

“I found you besides Father.” Izuna tried to explain. “He’s dead, nii-san.”

“I-”  _ His head hurt so much. _

Izuna was beside him suddenly, touching him. Warmth anchoring Madara to the here and now. “Breathe, nii-san. In and out.” he coached, supporting him upright. 

“Your eyes.” Izuna gasped suddenly, staring wide eyed at him. 

“You-” Madara touched his face, “ _ Are you real?” _

“What? Yes of course I’m real!”

_ “You were dead?”  _ Madara in a keening voice. “You- I held-”

“Nii-san!” Izuna cut him off. “Nii-san, look at me! You’re here, I’m here. I’m alive.” Izuna pressed Madara’s fingers to his pulse. “See! I’m okay! I’m here. It’s not a genjutsu. This is real Madara-nii.”

“Genjustu?” Madara muttered, holding his head. The word provoked a rush of memories. His father’s specialty. His favorite punishment. On and on it went, one memory after the other. The aftermath of the stand off with the Senju in the river. The punishments after each battle he lost to Hashirama. After each order to kill one of Senju Butsuma’s sons. Until Madara was sobbing in pain, mind unable to handle the strain. 

* * *

Izuna called for a medic, chest constricting in his worry for his brother. He had never seen Madara like this.  _ What happened in that forest? What did Father do? _ Izuna was not an idiot. He knew just what his Father was doing to Madara. And what Madara was doing for him. Shielding him from the wrath of their father. Taking every chance to divert Tajima’s attention to him. Just so he won’t fixate on Izuna. 

He watched as the medic knocked Madara-nii unconscious. Again. His eyes were bleeding, and he was crying. There were only a handful of times Izuna saw Madara cry. And each and every time, he wanted it to stop. Because Madara-nii was supposed to be  _ strong. _ He had always been the one larger than life. And to see him break like this was so gut wrenching to watch. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so,
> 
> Basically, Madara was unceremoniously shunted back to the past after he just killed Tajima. and then he proceeded to have a panic attack and ajdkbfsmdfnksjd anyways, this au will start with angst, but later on it's gonna have so much fluff I Swear! 
> 
> <3<3<3

**Author's Note:**

> AAAAAAAAAAA! okay so, I really did write this at witching hour sobbing in my bed while frantically typing on my phone before I forget this heartbreaking scene that I came up with. 
> 
> This is Madara leaving the village and Hashirama catching up to him. but, well. There's only so much Madara could take y'know.
> 
> Edit: Ohhhhh i have a [Discord Server](https://discord.gg/pf39SDd) if you'd like to join and talk about out lords and savior, dkjfsjfsdfsfksjd


End file.
